If America’s City of Brotherly Love is anything, it’s passionate about football. Philadelphia is now infamous for the fan reactions to the Eagles’ victory at Super Bowl LII, which included folks scaling telephone poles and other acts of public debauchery, even though city officials had greased these poles before the game in anticipation of reactions to the final score. (The grease didn’t work and Philadelphians still ascended those poles, hit ’em high, hit ’em low, watch our eagles fly!)
Is it racist and problematic that white male fans break stuff on the streets whenever our NFL team definitely wins (or, okay, maybe loses) and then are allowed by authorities to make their sloppy way home, while peaceful demonstrations led by Black activists for housing justice were demolished by police? Well, of course it is, but we haven’t figured out how to use grease to take down institutional racism. Grease works best on the individual, inebriated fan issue.
If you are viewing Super Bowl LVII in Philly this Sunday, let’s make a pact. Here are the five places we will NOT climb when the Eagles most definitely win (but also technically it is possible they could lose):
The Rocky Statue
We are ready for our training montage, which cannot involve mounting our beloved statue of film character Rocky Balboa, at the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
Look, we just can’t grease Rocky right now, because there’s a whole cottage industry of hawkers selling Eagles merchandise and earning tips for taking photos of tourists in front of it. We couldn’t make it to grease our beloved boxer’s likeness because we can’t get to it (that line is long). So just be cool and let people earn their living around this statue. GO BIRDS.
The Liberty Bell
Of course we want this iconic piece of American history protected. Do not climb this – it’s already cracked!
Remember on your fifth grade class trip when you were told you couldn’t touch the bell, because the oil from your fingertips (and the fingertips of millions of visitors over time) would degrade and ultimately disintegrate the bell? Well, the City of Philadelphia coats things in hydraulic fluid while preparing for fan antics. We cannot put that on our bell!
If we can’t grease it, you shouldn’t climb it, Eagles forever!
Gritty
The Philadelphia Flyers mascot is, indeed, our god, so I know I don’t have to tell you not to attempt to scale this fuzzy orange superfan.
Stare into Gritty’s wild eyes to know that it is your destiny not to try to climb on Gritty when the Eagles definitely win (or possibly lose) the Super Bowl. If you try to mess with Gritty, even God cannot save you. Fly, Eagles, fly!
Your Local Wawa
Your Local Wawa convenience store has been your light through the darkness: When you have needed a donut at 2 a.m. after the bars close. When you absolutely quit cigarettes but this breakup is so hard and you promise to only smoke half the pack, tops. When you’re too bored, lonely, depressed, or distracted to cook breakfast but they have your Sizzli sausage and egg sandwich hot and ready for you.
You will not scale your Wawa, because it is our Wawa, and it has never, never, let us down.
EAGLES FLY, ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY!
Your Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop
Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop care about you and want you to be careful at all times. As doting grandparents they of course bought you betting squares in the friendly gambling side hustle running through their church bingo group. Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop are watching with the rest of your rowdy family, reminding everyone to help themselves to seconds or even thirds of chili in the crockpot or the chewiest, most delicious soft pretzels they buy from that bakery that looks like a garage in South Philly.
Emotions will run high as your entire family is invested in the game. Still, do not climb Mom-Mom OR Pop-Pop when the Eagles absolutely win this weekend (or, fine, maybe that other option). You know all about the arthritis. And don’t let them climb on anything, either! Also, they think you need to wear a warmer winter hat.
E-A-G-L-E-S!!!!!
