Florida’s at it again. You know, the state shaped like America’s flaccid wiener whose top relative search on Pornhub in 2022 was “BBC” (big black cock)? That’s the one.
Naturally, this is the state that also has a pretty difficult time reconciling its lust for giant dicks with a strong urge to attack gays, Black people, and now a 518-year-old statue (with a penis).
The Phallic Controversy
A principal at a Florida charter school has been removed from her position after multiple parents complained that their sixth-graders were made to view pornography due to a lesson on art history that included… Michelangelo’s iconic statue of David.
You know that famous statue of David? It’s a marble sculpture of the Biblical figure David, commissioned for an Italian cathedral. Between 1501 and 1504, Michelangelo sculpted the iconic piece, which, to emphasize further, was commissioned by a church of a dude from the Bible.
The statue, which depicts a chiseled, naked man, is one of the world’s most famous pieces of artwork. However, some parents deemed it “pornographic” and said it “upset” their children.
“It doesn’t bother me,” said one student we interviewed.
Just kidding. I didn’t interview any students. Despite the right-wing’s portrayal of The Gays, I don’t want to be around anyone’s kids!
But you believed that for a second, right? Because surely, not a single kid has ever complained about this statue at any point. Even if students were prompted to do so, they’d probably have difficulty articulating any reason.
Sigh… The Simpsons Did It
Remember “Itchy & Scratchy & Marge,” Season 2, Episode 9 of The Simpsons? Originally aired in 1990, the episode follows Marge as she organizes to censor Itchy & Scratchy after Maggie imitates violence seen on the show.
In the end, Marge concludes that censoring the show is hypocritical when a traveling art exhibition (with nudity, which she approves of) is set to visit Springfield. Though she is also a concerned mother, Marge is an artist and therefore doesn’t believe in protesting – get this – the statue of David.
David v. Goliath
David is the guy who kills Goliath in that story we’ve all heard from the dominant religion that otherwise dictates everything we do in this country. I’m unsure if this qualifies as irony or a perversion of reality, but the lesson in David v. Goliath is that “with God, nothing shall be impossible.”
So like, stand your ground with your faith? But do so by protesting a statue depicting the guy who taught you that lesson? Y’all, I’m so fucking tired.
The statue is considered a masterpiece of sculpture and is widely recognized as an important cultural artifact, taught in virtually every introductory art history class. Of course, teaching widely-accepted, meaningful contexts to kids is no longer on Florida’s agenda.
Anyway, a conservative Christian college affiliated with the Tallahassee charter school has led the charge on fighting the “leftist” teaching of American history, which is spreading like a plague or something.
“We don’t use pronouns,” said school board chair Barney Bishop in a sentence beginning with a pronoun. He continued, “We don’t teach CRT and we don’t ever mention 1619 – those are not appropriate subjects for our kids.”
(For those counting at home, that’s two-for-two on sentences beginning with pronouns.)
Remember how Betsy DeVos, once our Secretary of Education without any relevant experience, advocated for expanding charter schools in this country? Insane censorship like this is just one of many reasons that would be not good!
So it would be really silly if there was a city in Florida that had Michelangelo’s David as its logo, right? Right?
Roughly 300 miles away from Tallahassee is a city that – no, really – has the statue of David on its official seal.
In 2022, the Historical Society of Sarasota County wrote about whether or not to update the city’s seal, noting that the Italian sculpture was “rad” because it was created by a 26-year-old… like their own art and college students.
They also compared the campaign to change it to a “failed project,” the same phrasing Michelangelo used for his actual marble carving.
Okay, but there’s no way there’s a replica of the statue at the Ringling Museum of Art in Sarasota.
Incorrect! It overlooks the courtyard, where anyone can see it – including the many kids’ events and field trips that visit the museum.
But you can’t tell me that Florida State University, located in Tallahassee, celebrated that thousands of kids from neighboring counties visit the museum (and therefore walk past the replica of David) every year… right?
Actually, Florida State University News wrote in 2019 that “10,000 children, ages 0-12 years, and their accompanying guardians participated in the museum’s various family programs.”
At least David isn’t Holden Hiscock
Meanwhile, Florida state Rep. Will Robinson Jr. (Republican, of course) was recently tricked into reading a bunch of dirty names at a public committee meeting.
Naturally, “Anita Dick” and “Holden Hiscock” were on the list and are now in the Florida public record.
So this is just another Puritanical overreach by conservatives who love to make up problems. This is unsurprising in a country where Americans think 80% of people are queer or trans.